All I can say is oh.my.goodness. If someone had told me this was what life after college/grad school would have looked like, I would not have believed them. I mean I watched people, listen to advice and stories, etc. but nothing prepared me for this. In my defense, I will say it’s not only starting a full-time job. A LOT has happened/resurfaced for me in the past couple of months and if not for the Grace of God, I think I’d be tapped out. But. Let’s talk about this job.
No lie, I’ve thought about quitting at least once a day. Lol. I mean it’s sorta funny, but I’m so serious. I really have sat at my desk and asked myself what I was doing and what I signed up for. Granted, a part of it is just the dynamic nature of my job and the fact that there is always something happening, but it felt like I could not keep up for the life of me. The first week of work I literally came home, ate and went to bed. I did not have the strength for anything, let alone the mental capacity to think about anything. I felt so guilty because there were all these things that I wanted to do that I just couldn’t. Then I realized the trick–don’t sleep! Getting stuff outside of work done meant that I would get less sleep during the night because I would have to stay up longer to do it. For the most part, I’m not sleep deprived so that’s good. But I had to learn all of these things. I had to adjust to what life was like with a full-time job: the sacrifices that I would have to make, the things I couldn’t do, the things I needed to focus on etc. In the last couple of weeks of working, I have learned SO much about myself. Weaknesses have been highlighted, as have strengths, but who I am as a person and the things that I value have DEFINITELY come to the forefront. It’s amazing, but scary, and weird, and intimidating all at the same time. I’ve had to face some things head on, and deal with the fact that it’s ME on the other side of it. It’s like, WHOA. That’s in ME?? It’s surreal.
The technical stuff is a doozy too. Dealing with real social worker issues, like having a gazillion clients that you have keep up with, not to mention all the paperwork that comes with them is like o_O. Plus, dealing with people in their most vulnerable states makes you so aware of your own vulnerability, and have you ready to be like ahhhhhhhh what is life?! But. I’m pressing. I’m fully aware that things won’t be “perfect” ever and surely won’t be comfortable for a while, but I guess my biggest lesson is, that’s okay. It’s okay that things don’t fit perfectly into little circles and squares, that sometimes life is messy and complicated and stressful and painful and overwhelming, but in those still moments, one of the most beautiful things we’ll ever encounter. So. Stay tuned. This journey will be one for the books.
In my growing up process,