» Vessel. Voice. Visionary.

Because, its my time.

Teach Her To Be A Woman, Not A Wife

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As a young woman, you're constantly thrown messages of abstinence and purity. All of the older women talk about saving yourself for marriage and making sure you're not giving your goodies to anyone that doesn't give you a ring. But then, they also teach you to cook, to clean, do laundry, citing the primary reason not that you're a woman (that's second), but because you need to know how to do it for when you're married. Herein lies the issue. I don't think that we shouldn't learn these things, but I think we're growing up in training, being taught how to be a wife, not a woman

I was having a conversation about the reason why I don't go out much, and why it was hard for me to just get up, go out, and stay out late. Part of it is because I just don't do the "going out" life, but moreover the reason was because I was thinking as a "wife", not a "woman". I have a boyfriend, and a younger female friend that also doubles as one of my roommates. I joke around and call them my little "family". So if and when I go out, they're the first ones on my mind. I want to have fun, but I also want to come home in time to be able to talk to my friend before she goes to sleep or to be there if something's wrong. I want to come home in time to call my boyfriend and relay the day's events before he goes to sleep or be there if something's wrong. My "family" is first on my mind. But the thing is, I'm not a wife or a mother. I'm a twenty one year old girl with no kids and no ring. Yet, I think as if I do and that's the issue. Of course everyone isn't like me, but I feel like the messages we send to young women cause them to think in similar patterns. We create a mindset that trains girls to grow up waiting to be married, waiting to find the one that will honor them, and love God more than he loves them. They grow up waiting for their Boaz, but what if he never comes? What if everyone doesn't get married? What if everyone doesn't even have a boyfriend? What then? Then we wonder why girls get caught up in these foolish relationships or consumed in lust. It's because we're not teaching them to be women. We're not teaching them skills to be self-sustainable. We're not teaching them to love themselves regardless of whether a man loves them or not. We're not teaching them to be pure because they're valuable and mean something. We say "boyfriends don't get husband privileges", which refers to sex, but if all they know how to do is be a wife, sex isn't really what we should be focused on. If a young woman is cooking for her boyfriend when he comes over, or helps with him with his laundry when they go the laundromat but doesn't have sex with him, is she really still saving herself? By no means do I approve of sex before marriage, but it shouldn't be the focus of what we teach our girls. The privileges should extend to more than just sex.

Maybe I'm dreaming but why can't a young woman find herself INmarriage? Why can't she explore cooking, cleaning, and pleasing with her husband? Why does she have to be a complete package prior to her ring? Maybe you might say because that's the woman's place or what will she offer the man if she doesn't know how to do those things or no man will want to marry her but I don't think that's true. I think if we taught our girls how to just BE, just BE a woman, a man would still want to marry her with no experience in those things. In all honesty, maybe that's one of the reasons so many marriages are failing. We prepare our girls to meet a man's physical and sexual needs--the tangible, but don't teach her how to stimulate his mind or how to support his visions. We don't teach her how to have visions of her own, outside of his, so that he can see that she has the intellectual capacity to aspire to something. We don't teach her to constantly evolve into her womanhood or to make sure she takes care of herself, getting things like her hair and nails done regularly. We don't teach her how to take of the woman she is, without having to feel guilty that she's neglecting her family. Look around. As much as things glorify sex, they glorify marriage as well. Take a look at these commercials for example. Take notice at how many times you see a ring on their fingers, even if the commercial is about laundry detergent. Take a look at those that supposedly write books or blogs for "single women" and constantly refer to "when you're married" or "when you find the one" or "him this, him that". We can train our girls to be women, without talking about them being wives. Some women that had no woman to teach them or any self-help books to read when they had their first child still did fantastic jobs in raising their kids, drawing on their maternal instinct and what they felt their child needed. I believe the same can happen in being a wife. I believe a woman can be a great wife without teaching or books because they realize who they need to be in relation to who they're with.I am not dismissing the advice of women who have done it before, because I do think it can be valuable; I just don't believe that's all we should rely on.

I wholeheartedly agree with the Bible's stance on women being in submission to their husbands, but I do not think that God intended for them to not to stand in and of their own as well. He created each one of us with a special purpose and when we do not teach our women to first fulfill their God-given purpose instead of seeking after a marriage, we deter them from stepping into all that God has for them. I have every intention on being married in the future, and I believe that I'll make a great wife, but I'm not there yet. I'm still at a place where I'm learning who I am and I want to keep it that way. I love my boyfriend but I don't want to turn our relationship into a proving ground for marriage instead of a time where we can enjoy one another. Of course, seeing a future with him is necessary, but I also need to see and experience a present. I want to enjoy hanging out without looking at the clock cause my "family" is waiting. I want to invest everything into building myself and following God's purpose for me, and I wholeheartedly believe that as and once I do that, I'll be able to truly enjoy and build a successful covenant. 

Women, love God and love yourself. Allow Him to prepare you by His standards for Himself, not for a man. <3

**This is a general thought and not meant to be representative of all women.**

Side Piece

I'm sorry; when did being a part of "#sideni**anation" and "#sidebi**hnation" become a thing? As a matter of fact, when did being a side piece to a relationship become something to strive to, to settle in, to be comfortable with? It's nausea ting to watch people, of course of my generation/age glorify the position of being a side piece. Why? Because it's not cool. There's nothing respectable about it. It's not an accomplishment and definitely not a honor, yet I see post after post, status after status, picture after picture with comments corroborating the foolishness. What happened to our morale? Our sense of monogamy? Our pride in being someone's only, not main or number 1 of many? 

Maybe you'll say I don't understand. On the contrary I do, I've been in those shoes, both as a side piece and as a main girl. As a main girl, it crushes you. You find out your boyfriend is stepping out on you & building something else with someone. It makes you question "why", "what does she have that I don't" "what do I do that makes you wanna do that" and ultimately, "why am I not enough". It makes you feel inadequate, makes you question all the qualities you do and don't possess. It embarrasses you and puts you to shame. You constantly flip flop on whether he means enough for you to give him another chance or walk away. You try over and over to forgive but it breaks your heart because you don't know if you want to. As a side piece, the experience is not too different. At first, it's cool, maybe even cute, like "yea your man runs to me & you don't even know" or you feel good cause he tells you "you get me. She doesn't understand me the way you do". He whispers the sweet nothings in your ear & makes promises of leaving her for good to be with you. And then, reality sinks in. Time passes, and then more time, and more time, and you realize you guys were no more closer to being together than the first day. You can't ask questions like, "where are you going" when he steps out or "who's that on the phone" when it's ringing at 1am. You can't be seen with him in public, so while he's flaunting his main girl, you're off to the side, getting into your feelings, knowing you don't have any authority to voice them. You don't meet the family, the friends, the nothing. I get it. I know what it's like to be in both positions and I never want to know again. 

But why would anyone want that to be glorified? Why would anyone want to willingly sign up for that? For a life in the unknown? Having "hoes" isn't it. Being a side piece isn't it. Grow up. Make up your mind. Act like a responsible adult. By signing up to be a side piece, you settle for way less than you're worth. You rob someone of the opportunity to love you and only you with the all of them and treat you how you should be treated, like royalty. By getting a side piece, you string along someone who thinks they're getting the all of you, not allowing them to be free because they deserve better. Either position isn't fair, and it just isn't worth it. Love yourself enough to love yourself and not settle. 

Side pieces are not, will not, and have never been something to attain to. Stop.