"Sitting in a train car, surrounded by strangers feels like an appropriate place and time to write. Why? Because that's how I feel inside. Unknown. Not known, not explored, not found, not discovered. I feel like inside me there is a yearning to belong, a yearning to connect to something outside of myself. Now, I realized that a large part of it must be satiated by a void-filling God but I realize there is a human element that I am seeking--a human to make me feel like I am searchable, that I am worth the journey to be found. I realized that I've not yet gotten to that. Now that I write, I realize I might be looking for me".
"I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for not loving you enough. I'm sorry I didn't choose you".
I hope one day you realize how much you are loved. I hope one day you realize how much you matter and how much you've always mattered. I hope one day you realize that you are valuable and worthy beyond comprehension. You've got it wrong. You've been busy filing your time with trying to find someone to make you feel worthy--someone to make you feel like you are. But that's not true. You are because you are--not because someone else makes you. All this time you've been wondering why you don't feel absolutely complete or satisfied and it's because you forgot yourself in the equation. You forgot to look within. You are enough. And you've always been enough. Every time you felt otherwise was a lie. You've always been enough. And I want you to know that.
I want you to forgive yourself for every wrong you've committed because the truth of the matter is that you are worthy of redemption. There is nothing that you've done that you cannot be forgiven for--even if the wronged don't agree. You don't need to grovel or make yourself feel small. It's okay. Mistakes happen, wrong happens, but human fallibility is real. Value yourself enough to know when to say when. And when is now. Forgive yourself and move on. Don't stay in that place one more minute. Forgiveness is freedom. And you deserve to be free. I also hope that one day you can be strong enough to forgive others too. Remember that people don't always mean to fail you. Some people don't know how to love through the mess. Some people can't love you when you detour from expectations and that's okay. Some people can't stay around forever and that's okay too. Don't be mad. Don't be disappointed. Everyone can't do what you do, how you do it. I hope you can understand that some people deserved to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused, bitter even when you can't understand why. Just be okay with it. I hope one day you forgive yourself for every relationship and friendship that was lost, knowing that sometimes, some things get left behind and sometimes, that thing is you. I hope one day you realize you can still love without possessing.
I hope one day you realize that you never need to abandon your true self to fit in. You are exactly who you're supposed to be. Sure, there's room for growth and maturity, but there's no room for facades or conformity. Let it go. Some people won't go with it and that's okay. They were never supposed to. Stretch out. Get out of the fish tank, shark. Spread your wings. Caterpillars don't crawl forever. Never be ashamed for growing. Never be ashamed of sticking out. Never be ashamed of staying true. Let go of anyone or anything that doesn't allow you to do that.
I hope one day you also let go of whoever doesn't love you the way you should be loved. You are a Queen and should be treated as such. You deserve to be celebrated, to feel special every day of the week that ends in "y". Never allow loyalty to outweigh royalty. I hope one day you realize that your ability to love sometimes puts you ahead of the game, that some people will never love like that, that some people aren't ready for that, that sometimes, you were only meant to jump-start their heart for someone else. I hope that one day you realize your love awakens the deep and some people are just content with the surface. But I hope you realize you don't have to stop loving, and neither should you want to. Your love doesn't belong to you. It's meant to be given away--just don't give yourself away in the process. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away. Sometimes the lesson is in how soon you can choose you.
I hope one day you realize how much you inspire, how much you encourage, how much you push, even without trying. I hope one day you realize that your life makes a mark on this earth and will continue to do so long after you're gone. I hope you realize how much you've accomplished, how much you've made it out of and saw through to the end. I hope you see how much victory you really have. Most of all, I hope that one day you'll let love in again, in whatever form in comes in. You weren't meant to exist in isolation. God loves you and has loved you from before you knew what love was. People love you, and they just wouldn't be the same kind of people if they didn't. So let love in again. Love and be loved. And of course, remember, you are enough.
Someone who wants you to know